Guest Columnist

Obama’s Tuesday speech to children is already stirring up controversy among commentators who fear the propaganda could deliver an unheard of message for all of us. 

That message? That the president plans to put the nation in a mandatory time-out. 

“When I worked for Clinton, our administration did this all the time,” said political strategist and former Clinton official Charles Norris. “It was just understood that ‘speech to the children’ meant it was our chance to parade our Commi horsemen into American cities to institute our Marxist radical agendas.” 

“And now Obama, with the same fringe-movement bureaucrats, are planning to put the nation in a time-out, a punishment for not going along with Obamacare: Socialized Medicine,” Norris added. 

Norris is not alone in his growing concerns.

“For the administration and his radical lefty cronies to let the nation dissolve so they can rebuild a U.S.S.R. look-alike out of the burnt remains of our beloved nation’s capital, he must first wag his finger at the United States and punish us all to a mandatory time-out chair,” McStevens said.  

McStevens believes that, fearing a public outcry to this indoctrination, it is expected that Obama will use his propagating teleprompter to trick the public into taking its collective time-out.  

“We have received word from inside the movement that they will be using the code phrases ‘do your homework and stay in school’ to signal a widespread movement to impose this mandated time-out,” said McStevens. 

Norris said that while doing the investigation for his latest book, “A Spoonful of Nazi Tactics helps the Socialized Obamacare Go Down,” he uncovered a deep look inside the future of Obama’s future secret agenda. 

Amid the storm of controversy surrounding Obama’s speech on Tuesday, Left of Orange has decided not to air Obama’s speech.

Rock, Paper and Scissors pose together following a heated round robin match-up Monday that resulted in a three-way tie.

In an exciting match-up Monday at the rock-paper-scissors national championship round robin, Rock, Paper and Scissors tied three ways for first place.

The round robin tournament began with Paper defeating Rock, who went on to beat Scissors. Paper fell to Scissors in its the final match of the day, leaving the standings at 1-1 for all three participants.

“This is a situation where all three athletes just each had their own unique strengths and their own unique weaknesses,” said Allison Umberly, Paper’s coach. “They each had a total victory and they each had a total defeat. It’s almost unheard of in sports.”

“I have to hand it to Scissors, to go on and defeat Paper so completely, right after I totally dominated her, is impressive,” said Rock, who was sponsored by the American Geological Society. Paper and Scissors were both sponsored by Office Depot.

“Today was a humbling day for everyone,” Scissors told reporters. “I have so much respect for my competitors and I can’t wait to see them again, along with Heads, Tails, the short straw and all the long straws, at the Olympics in a few years.”

This photo illustration shows how big Jupiter is compared to Mars, and thus, how much cooler it is.

NASA announced Sunday its plans to begin research on a manned mission to Jupiter, saying it trashed its Mars goal when scientists realized how pathetic Mars is compared to Jupiter.

Donald Marks, who will lead the team of scientists, astronauts and astronomers preparing for the mission, gave it a 2014 timeline and said work has already begun on finding an effective landing location.

Critics say NASA is biting off more than it can chew with the mission, which skips entirely over Mars, the planet between Earth and Jupiter.

But Marks said NASA had been considering ditching its Mars plan ever since the Hubble Telescope sent back its first images of “how freaking awesome Jupiter looks, all the time.”

“Jupiter is about 21 times the size of Mars, and almost 3,000 times as heavy, making it 100,000 times cooler,” Marks said. “America deserves the very best for our first interplanetary expedition, and Jupiter is the very best.”

President Barack Obama praised the organization for its optimism and ambition.

“NASA has shown the world today that we do not need to settle for second best,” he said at a press conference Sunday. “We do not need to settle for Mars when we can have Jupiter.”

Sidney, winner of last year's Most Average Dog Competition, is completely unremarkable and unexceptional in every way.

Seattle-based dog food company O.K. Foods, Inc., announced Monday it will sponsor the nation’s second annual competition to find America’s most average dog.

The month-long contest will be judged by a panel of O.K. employees. The contest’s winner will be chosen based on photos and brief bios mailed to its Seattle office.

The winner, whose name will be announced Sept. 1, will be awarded a lifetime supply of O.K. Bark Bites and a plaque.

Similar competitions, such as the World’s Ugliest Dog contest and the Cutest Pet Contest, have grown wildly popular in recent years.

“We just thought this was the perfect niche,” said O.K. Foods, Inc. spokeswoman Christina Pabst. “This way, you’re not leaving anyone out. You’ve got the cutest, you’ve got the ugliest, and with us, you’ve got the middle.”

Deborah, runner-up of last year's Most Average Dog competition. Deborah's owner described her as "pretty much like most other dogs."

Contest entries are judged based on how ordinary and unremarkable the dog appears in its photo and in 200-word descriptions written by the dog’s owner.

Judges said helpful appearance traits include a tan or brown color and the lack of anything unusual, special or unique.

A champion average dog’s personality, judges said, would be void of anything particularly entertaining or intelligent and would display absolutely nothing unlike the majority of the rest of the nation’s dogs.

Big Bird and the letter have been spotted together at restaurants and night clubs in L.A.

Big Bird, the 8-foot yellow star of popular children’s television program “Sesame Street,” has been accused of conducting a sordid affair with his co-worker the letter “I.”

Bird, who began work on “Sesame Street” in 1969, has been seen with the letter at a number of swanky L.A. eating and dancing establishments, as well as leaving Bird’s home.

“I” has been married to the letter “U” since 1951. Bird is single, although his appearance with Pat Nixon on “Sesame Street” in 1970 led many to believe the two were seeing each other privately.

“Look, the guy’s hot,” said a source close to the letter I. “He can sing, roller skate, ride a unicycle and he’s good with kids. Who’s going to blame the Letter I for trying to get in on that?

A number of celebrity gossip magazines have posted photos online of the Letter I leaving Bird’s nest behind the 123 Sesame Street brownstone.

The Letter I with spouse the Letter U.

“I cannot speculate about the actions of my colleague,” Count Van Count told reporters Wednesday. “What he does and who he is madly in love with is none of my business.”

“Cookie! Cookie cookie cookie cookie,” the Cookie Monster added.

Big Bird and the Letter I declined to comment. Calls to their agents were not returned.

"How can you compete with this?" asks Bobby Knell of his HazMat employee friend Rudy Valentino. Knell has worn hot dog, pterodactyl and Darth Vader costumes to recent parties, none of which were as popular as Valentino's work uniform.

A star discovered in 2007 and named Willy Wonka by bored astronomers.

A NASA study released Thursday shows that while advanced telescope and satellite technology is allowing astronomers to find new stars at a faster and faster rate, bored astronomers are giving these stars weirder and stupider names.

While most new stars receive names based on their geographical location and who found them, such as Luyten 726-8A, BD +5deg 1668 or Kruger 60 A, about three percent of all new stars are given ridiculous, absurd names.

One star found in the Andromeda galaxy in 2008, for example, was named Athlete’s Foot.

Other ridiculous names cited in the study included:

-Watermelon

-www.rickyoung.com

-Fluffy

-ALIENSLIVEHERE

-I Hate Steve! I Really Do

-Xeibnaseipleneck

-Chewbacca

-UNC Tar Heels NCAA Champions FOREVER

The NASA study examined a database of thousands of stars and identified which ones were not named based on an established system of sky location and dates discovered. Out of these, the researchers identified the stupidest of the names.